Tuesday, February 01, 2005

ad nauseum

The steps forward are short. I hope they're deep. Right now I'm going on hope. I think that's the natural progression anyway. First the lessons are yellow jackets in the summer, all over the place and fierce, and later, now, they're yellow jackets in the winter, slower but still themselves. I see them coming now but they sting me anyway, and the sting hurts worse. I now know to go lie down and let the poison have its moment and that it'll pass. It doesn't blindside me anymore. Now it just makes me sad. I feel almost sick with sadness that the halls have turned vile again. I'm back to locking my doors and reading our daily poem over the foulness of their din. They crash against my doors and windows like fighting fish looking at a mirror. The noise is sickening. Sometimes I think it's better to leave the doors wide open because then they can't bang on them, but then they walk in like the gig is theirs and they're impossible, just like in the beginning, to get out. I do find that my students inside the room are less tolerant of the fools out there in the hall and ignore them more, except that yesterday one of my students yelled to the thugs outside that I was coming to the door and told them to run. I lost my cool and then I told him to find a new 4th period. He wasn't in class today. I hope I never see him again.

Melanie

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Melanie -

Please be careful. You are too precious to lose. Remember you can't save the world as a whole, but you can make a lasting difference one at a time. That one builds to a couple, then a few, and soon you'll feel right again.

Thank you -

mmkk

6:04 PM  

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